26 Reflections on Silence

I “checked myself in” for a 3-day private Silent Retreat at a Benedictine Monastery this week. Nestled into the San Bernardino mountains in Southern California, St. Andrew’s Abbey is not necessarily a beautiful location. But the prayers and reverence for God that cover the small acreage bring a tangible peace for retreatants.

As I clipped that badge to my shirt “Shhh, I am on a Silent Retreat”, I focused my heart, mind, and soul on stillness. I wanted to experience Jesus in a new way.

Here are the reflections my time of silence brought:

  1. Your other senses are enhanced. I smell my surroundings more potently; I taste and enjoy my food more wholly; I hear others’ words but even more seem to tap into what their hearts mean behind the words (probably because I’m not worried about what I have to say in response!); I see because I intentionally open my eyes to be more observant; and I feel deeper emotions as I tune in to what the Spirit is revealing to me.
  2. It’s extremely challenging at first, but then you begin to enjoy and even revel in it!
  3. It allows you time and energy to not only ask yourself the big life questions, but to also hash them out. (What is my purpose, what am I here for?)
  4. Because doing this one thing is out of your comfort zone, it pushes you to do more things out of your comfort zone (like lay prostrate on the floor for an hour in prayer like King David modeled).
  5. It opens your mind to realize how much you complain and gossip.
  6. It makes you want to ask people a million questions and just stop talking and listen, despite what “good advice” or knowledge you think you can impart.
  7. It stirs up old bitterness and resentment you thought you were healed of.
  8. It causes you to pray. Nonstop.
  9. You become fully aware of the percentage of your thoughts in any given category. (I.e. Here was 8 minutes wasted in jealousy or given to lust. Half my day was spent in planning (quite in vain) for the future and the other half day-dreaming or contemplating my past, etc.)
  10. When you adore Jesus, you are humbled to feel HOW MUCH HE ADORES YOU!
  11. Everyone should try silence for a specific, extended period of time.
  12. It unsettles others and can make you uneasy to not respond – but in the end it’s a good challenge for both you and them to accept the difference in people.
  13. It takes a while to still the heart and totally check in to the silence…of the tongue and the soul.
  14. Perspective becomes clearer.
  15. Your heart changes. Rather than praying for my way and specific requests, I was asking God to move in hearts, lives, and give His guidance; I was fully surrendering to His will be done and being okay with that.
  16. You come to a sense of peace in who you are – who He designed and destined you to be. Because suddenly the things of this world grow strangely dim.
  17. You feel the sense of time more presently. It doesn’t speed by as in a busy day with many appointments, nor does it crawl on endlessly as an unintentionally unfilled day can seem ‘boring’. Every minute is pregnant with purpose, and you feel it as it is.
  18. People come to mind to pray for you would not have thought of otherwise.
  19. Jesus breaks chains.
  20. As the rhythm of life slows, you sleep better.
  21. You don’t want it to end, but you’re also anxious to bring the insights you’ve discovered back to the real world. (I won’t deny I was chomping at the bit to be home a little 😉 ).
  22. You drink more water…maybe I just remembered to more often? It happened though!
  23. It’s a catalyst for change! I want to talk rather than text, I want to live life with people rather than Snapchat my life to them, I want to ask questions rather than gossip or complain.
  24. It causes reflection on the past – and to ask hard questions.
  25. It makes you miss mom and dad.
  26. Once you introduce talking again, your pace immediately increases.

 

There were many breakthroughs during the 3 days, but I’d say the greatest praise I have was the Spirit’s assurance on my heart to start boldly proclaiming I AM MOVING TO NAIROBI, KENYA IN JUNE! I have been hesitant and timid to tell people for fear that it will fall through if perhaps I was wrong in discerning God’s call for me to go. This week He broke that chain of fear! I am not called to live half-hearted but to walk boldly in the call He’s given me!

I have held back so it wouldn’t hurt as bad if the rug were pulled out underneath me and I ended up not going. It would soften the blow of failure or disappointment. This fear is of the enemy, though, not of God Almighty!! It really did take the silence to name that fear, call it out, and fill the vacancy with the confidence of Christ.

Praise God!!

stay lovely,
the tall girl

 

Turn Hurt Within To Loving Out

I was raised sheltered. The more I learn about the world and commonalities in other people’s stories that are missing from my own, the more evident that becomes. ‘Porn’ was a whispered hush-hush word growing up. I always was the last to learn about anything in regards to human sexuality.

And here I am, 23 years old, attending the porn convention in Chicago in 2 weeks.

I love the shock and awe that causes people. “Kelli, at a porn convention?!” It’s like sending the runt of baby lambs into a viper pit…a viper pit with stripper poles and sex toys.

Okay, okay, why am I going?? I moved to the greater LA area last June, and since that time I have plugged into an amazing church community that loves Jesus and people in such a beautiful, service-oriented way.

I’ll never forget one of those first nights last summer (June 2016) visiting the college ministry, as a newbie to the church and to town, everything was overwhelming…but exciting in that way when you know you are where you’re supposed to be.

The leader brought to our attention one of the tables set up outside selling t-shirts as a fundraiser for a mission trip coming up. These bold shirts proclaimed in all caps in what I’m guessing was 100-font, “JESUS LOVES PORN STARS”. I was immediately intrigued and captivated by this body of believers not backing away from a taboo church topic. After hearing about the heart and mission behind XXX Church, I knew I wanted to be involved in this ministry in some capacity in the future.

As I have developed deep friendships with guys my age and have grown out of my sheltered naïvety, I have realized how prevalent this addiction is in the lives of so many men and women in our world today. It hurts me to see marriages suffering and ending because of a husbands’ porn addiction, women degrading themselves for a paycheck or to fill a gaping sense of worth. Shame, guilt, and depression riddles people’s lives because we have distorted a beautiful gift from God into a dirty, often violent commodity.

My heart for people who are entangled in this addiction has grown tenfold in the last year. And now, I’m blessed with the opportunity to go to Chicago, June 23-25 for the Exxxotica Expo where we will have a booth to be the love and light of Jesus to the women attending the convention! I’m humbled and shocked in the greatest way that God would call me to this, and I am so excited to pour into these women. We’ll be passing out those bold t-shirts, Bibles, dad hats, stickers, snacks, and loving on the people we meet.

In the next couple weeks, I would love to have your prayers for the team and these beautiful women we will meet who Christ has been pursuing their whole lives. I know He will place many in our path we can show more of His love to.

I have never asked for financial help on my blog, but I want to put it here in case you’ve been moved by what you’ve read…most likely because of hurt you have experienced from it. I know God will work in big ways during this weekend, and I pray that if you feel so led, you will answer the call to “join me” on this trip by donating whatever amount you’re able to.

Again, I am so grateful for you, dear family, friends, readers.

stay lovely and join me in turning hurt within to loving out,
Kelli, the tall girl

A Handful of L.A. Adventures

It’s been an exhilarating 7 months living in Los Angeles. When I scroll through the photos of memories and moments with these new California friends, I’m filled with a gratitude and nostalgia for everything I’ve been blessed to experience.

SAN DIEGO

Just two yogi’s from Cedar Rapids, Iowa who answered the call on their hearts to move to Southern California!

REDONDO BEACH

Exploring with cousin Jason and his fiancé Kai.

LAGUNA BEACH

When your favorite volleyball coach is in town, you make the drive to see her and her mom and lounge for the day at Laguna Beach. 🙂

SNAPCHAT’S SUMMER TWILIGHT CONCERT SERIES

This night will always be one of my highlights of Summer 2016 in Los Angeles! Snapchat hosts a concert series on Santa Monica Pier over the summer, and IT IS LIT. The Snapchat ghost was walking around, so I automatically sprinted over to dance with it and get all the pictures. The fun people in the photo are all amazing, driven, awe-inspiring world-travelers I’m blessed to call friends! With the Snapchat ghost from left is Sofiane, sassy Frenchman, Eddie, punny North Carolinian, and Mel, feisty New Yorker.

DISNEYLAND

Sweet Aunt Renee took me with her to Disneyland for a very full day of rides, Princess meetings (mostly on my end, I had to see them all!), and emotional parade and firework shows!

HIKE TO HOLLYWOOD SIGN

It was a must!

BONFIRE ON THE BEACH

Another highlight of Summer 2016! Sorry for doubting your bonfire-building skills, Sofiane. It was lit.;)

SURFING (& SAIRA IN TOWN!!)

BUCKET LIST ITEM #1 WAS COMPLETED THAT DAY. But I’m definitely not done there! It was a blast experiencing this with such an amazing friend, Saira, who came all the way from West Virginia to see me and of course California!

SQUAD. ALL THE SQUAD PICS.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THESE HUMANS!!!

CCV COLLEGE GROUP CAMP AT CARPINTERIA STATE BEACH

God nudged me to just go to the camp, even though I only knew a couple people. Well, that changed quickly because CCV peeps are amazing and so welcoming. I love this church family.:)

MIXMAG

BOAT PARTY

Another highlight! Eddie is the hookup for amazing events!! Always a blast with you!

SANTA MONICA BEACH

BAE’S

MY B’S!! Bridget and Bekah, where would I be without you two?! Love you baesics!

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

 

Thanks for scrolling through! Always remember to reflect on how beautiful this life is…we get caught up in a comparison game and it sucks the joy out of our own blessings. Please understand this is a highlight reel, and in no way is my life or anyone else’s rainbows and puppies and smiles all the time. It’s a journey of ups and downs, and finding joy in Christ even in the downs is the ultimate goal of it all.

Wishing you a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR’S CELEBRATION and FANTASTIC 2017!!!

stay lovely,
the tall girl

 

Thrifty Hacks for Exploring L.A.

For lack of a better term, we’ll say I’m thrifty. All about the deals, clearance racks, thrift stores, packing a lunch for on-the-go, etc.

L.A. is not a cheap place to live, but that makes finding affordable, fun things to do a constantly changing and challenging adventure!

I wanted to help out my fellow L.A. explorers by putting together a list of unique things to do besides just “Day at the Beach” or “Celebrity Hunting” in Hollywood (which would be a major disappointment, ‘cus you won’t see anyone there.)

Happy exploring!

Los Angeles

Check out LAWeekly for great food trucks.

One of many lists you’ll find on flea markets in the L.A. area.

The Downtown Art Walk should already be in your planner for the second Thursday of the month.

Jazz Night is waiting for you! 6PM every Friday in the summer.

stay lovely (& thrifty!),
the tall girl